There are times when I look at Darcie and I can't believe just how grown up she is. I remember the moment Jamie walked through the recovery room doors with her in his arms and I got to lay my eyes on her for the very first time (I had a c-section and was put to sleep). She was so tiny, delicate and oh so precious.
Fast forward three and a half years, my girl now seems so independent. She want's to do everything herself, try her hand at everything and above all wants to make her mummy and daddy proud. Sometimes her independence can then come across as being stubborn, sassy and the naughty step is being used more and more.
Me and Darcie have had our moments lately. On my part the lack of sleep has resulted in a dwinderling patience and Darcie has taken the brunt of it. I quickly get frustrated when she doesn't put her shoes on or demands a drink when I am mid way through changing Henry. Why doesn't she get that I have my hands full and I can't do everything she wants there and then?
Because she is little. She may be a lot bigger than the day I first laid my eyes on her. But, she is little.
When my eye's catch her's and her tear stained cheeks, little cracks in my heart appear. When I ask her what's wrong and her voice shakes a little, she replies "I just want you to be proud of me". Mummy guilt strikes me to my core.
It's not that I'm not proud of my daughter. That couldn't be any further from the truth. She is bright, kind hearted, strong willed, caring, funny, loveable - all the things I could have ever wished for, she is. It's just, I'm tired. So very tired. I'm just trying my best to make sure I'm staying on top of my game and sometimes I fail miserably!
Being a mum of two is the most wonderful thing I have and ever will do. But someday's it can feel like the toughest job on the planet! I know that Darcie won't remember these moments, they're few and far between. Tonight I gave her an extra big squeeze when I put her to bed. She has gone through a lot of changes recently and I don't give her enough credit at times.
When babies are so little a lot of focus is put into the baby and the eldest can sometimes be almost be left out a little. Whilst I have made a conscious effort for that not to happen, sadly at times Henry has had to come first and I think she struggles with that. I know she understand that her little brother is very needy, but as her mum I sometimes have to remind myself that she is too.
So yesterday was a bad day, but tomorrow is a new one and I promise to snap less and praise more.
I'm sorry Darcie, love your very tired mummy.
Mummy B xoxox