Back to work. I have been away from work since the end of July, eight whole months ago. I can't believe it is time to go back already! I think every parent sounds like a broken record when they say this, but, where on earth has that time gone? When I think of how my first day back will be (in two weeks time) a mixture of emotions fills me, sadness, worry, guilt, and excitement. It's a weird combo.
I feel sad that my maternity leave is over. I feel there is more I could of done with this time off. I definitely don't think I used it "wisely" and have certainly taken this time for granted. When I was off with Darcie we were constantly doing things, attending various groups, coffee dates and days out. But this time, having two, we haven't really been able to do as much. Lot's of our local groups aren't really suitable for two children so I feel he has missed out a little. We've pretty much been in our own little bubble for the last six months.
I worry. A lot. I worry that our breastfeeding journey will end prematurely. I absolutely adore breastfeeding, more than I ever thought I would. I just hope that we will be able to keep it up when I'm back. I'm feeling very thankful he has started to take a bottle of expressed milk so that's one less thing to worry about. Now I just need to drill it into the Hubby that you need to sterilise bottles and you shouldn't heat up breastmilk in the microwave. All of which he has done before. I was mortified!
As with any working mum out there, the mummy guilt instantly sinks in. It's only natural I know. But I feel awful that I may miss out on his firsts, that he will miss me and being able to comfort him instantly with a quick feed. If I think about it too much my anxiety definitely kicks in, I have had episodes where I can feel the anxiety consuming me and have found it difficult to sleep. When I get like this I try and open up as much as I can (mainly to my hubby), getting these feelings off my chest is something that definitely helps.
I am however feeling really thankful that he will be cared for by his Daddy mainly and my mum - I know he will be in safe hands (that is if my hubby remembers to sterilise those bottles haha!). I think that's what makes working a whole lot easier. Knowing he will be with people that care's for him deeply. We have been very fortunate that I have been able to reduce my hours and that my hubby's working hour's seem to go in sync with mine. So much so we only really need Henry to attend nursery one day a week and that's really only because we want to be able to have a back up if we ever need it.
Finally, I actually feel quite excited to return to work. I've missed my colleagues and the work I do, I thrive on having a routine, so that will be a welcome change too. I think if I was in a job I didn't love, returning to work would be almost impossible. Thankfully that isn't the case for me. I just want to get stuck in now and get ourselves into our new little setup! I'm sure Henry will enjoy spending a little bit more one-on-one time with his Daddy & Granny.
How did you feel when you returned to work? Did you continue to breastfeed (if that was what you chose to do of course) and how did you find it?
Mummy B xoxox
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